ANZAC day... its university holiday... how gd is tt? but no... i got MCQ exam and IMM assignment due this friday. thou i've finished my IMM assignment but i exceed the word limit. i've started studying for it SLOWLY... really damn slow... tts total 17 lectures to study, i've done 4, another 2 this whole afternoon ONLY! still left with 11 more!!! how to finish by tml???? anxiety become overwhelming. start thinking useless stuffs like i shuld hav start during easter week holi, shuld study faster n not so slowly, not all the stuffs will be gg into my head anw. after tt come to console myself saying tt it holi, i shuld be enjoying my life, study is jus one part of life. nonetheless, i still so stubborn n go thru everything slowly, when exam is ard the corner, i den panic n start focusing more so tt i can finish alot of stuffs in a short period of time! it always happen!~ even i noe this will be the outcome! haiz... Y i'm so stress abt studies? y cant i jus relax? Y m i so contridicting? Y cant i focus even thou i'm stress???? Y Y Y? serious mental prob... arrghh... it all in my mind...
thx to the 'stress' n 'trying to focus but nth comes out' ... i went thru all the photos n letters n cards n songs n memories abt my whole life... simply looking back into the past... i realised alot of stuffs tt had happened in my life... all the ppl, friends n family... n ming ming of coz... all the photos... i really look at each in details n all the memories came into my mind... really felt as if i was back then, the tings we did... places we went... things tt u've said to me... etc... everything... n my family... the photos n my bday card they sent to me... every single words they wrote... my dad, mum n my 2 bros!~ they are so touching... how i wish my dog can write too? haha... i noe im lucky to hav them... but stupid me will not express it out by saying "I love u" etc... words dun mean anythin to me anymore... im not 'expressive' nonetheless, i still feel it deep down in my heart... but my facial expression, actions n words might not reflect how i really feel. its like it is only exist when im alone, subconciously but no matter wat... it is not a concious thingy anymore... subconciously i will bottom up things... until today... its kinda overwhelming... mixed feelings jus came up... happy, sad, touch, disappointment, content, eager, dissatisfaction etc etc... u noe at certain pt of time, everything tt is happening is expected, tt is it... life is like tt... u do this u get this, dun do tt u dun get this, so u mus do this... everything is planned n controlled... there is no surprises... no reward no nth... jus do things blindly. i dun understand myself anymore... not sure abt the things i felt... how ppl see me may not be the person i m inside me... in my mind i can jus tink on n on n on n on n on.. no conclusion, after every tots, im back to normal again... nth hav changed.
after pouring everything out, it jus an useless blog abt my tots tt is nth but tots. sorry dar... i noe i mus hav filled my mind with sch work n my life here... sorry for being not 'expressive'... but at some pt of time i still feel sth.. sth might but strong now but might not be as strong back then... my mind controls over my feelings inside n lots more tings tt i duno how to deal with... nonetheless im still the same ok? see ya later... haha... n worry abt my exam later...
y m i so confusing? how i wish there is 2 me, another one can see me from outside n tell the inside me wat i can do. something is missing...
wish upon a star atWednesday, April 25, 2007.Wednesday, April 25, 2007