i noe this is the pathway i choose... i will live with it de... no matter how hard it takes... i will live with it de... by myself... mb it is hard for others to understand... no matter how much i wish some1 could understand... i wun expect anyone to understand... so those who r not... dun pass any judgement on me... dun think u really noe me... dun even talk abt me... best ting to do is to leave me alone... thank u...
as for ming ming... sorry tt ive been this way... thx for listening to me when i really need it... :)
wish upon a star atSaturday, May 26, 2007.Saturday, May 26, 2007
finally got the time to blog... got prob signing in... but now its fine le...
alirght... always don't know how to begin with... these few days i've been thinking alot... talk and act strangely recently... the more i think and do the more i dun understand myself... have been thinking... wat will i be doing at this moment if i'm at singapore now... will i be happier? life here has been quite mono tone... i miss my family... when i got hm got nicole to play with... got my bros to talk to... watch tv tgt... can also argue n play with them... n my parents... prepare dinner for us... cut fruits once in a while... dad bring us out for dinner... its simple yet hard to appreciate be4 i came here... now i miss all that so much... u noe, life was so gd tt time passes so quickly... n im actually enjoying it w/o myself knowing... can express freely, whenever i feel bored or sad, i noe wat to do, where to go n who to turn to... but now... here is different...
i should enjoy my life differently here... which i tink i did... but mb not as enjoyable. always feeling tt something is missing... i duno how to express myself, some tots n feelings can't express freely... alot of tings i'm unsure of... duno whats my stand... some misunderstanding... slowly i'm feeling tt im losin myself... have been trying to find some time to do some self reflection... but i duno how to begin with... on the other hand... im worrying abt my studies... i have not been performing as well as i tot i could... from aiming high with confidence that someting can be done in this way... but it end up otherwise n lose motivation...
i'll get angry n frustrated with the slightest things... tt no one could even think of it... i cant express freely... always keep things to myself... i rather be alone... have been consiously reminding myself, console myself...
wat i wan to achieve in near future? after attending biomedical science career talk, i have tis strong tots... i dun wan to study further anymore!!! i mean after my degree. come to talk of it... a degree is jus a pea. some small n insignificant... cant do or get anything in biomedical science field. only can be 'successful' if i study highest with at least a hons or up to pHD... which is... impossible for me! hons is the hardest year to go thru... with degree i only left half of my life le... the tings im studying in now doesnt interests me... esp. my electives are fine... but core modules? sucks to the max! i tink becoz of tt... i lose hope in my studies le... plus results no as gd... im totally demoralized. after seeing others n tink back abt myself... im not as gd as i tot... im not as smart as i tot... in terms of academic i mean... i jus wan to enjoy life... do someting that i wan... someting that i will enjoy n make some money out of it... since i've come to far... i cant jus drop it... i hav to do it... whether i like it or not... i'll try to like it... i'll try to study it... i dun like to fail... no matter how hard it is i dun like to fail! when i say fail i dun mean i really fail but fail the expectation that i've hav set. i noe it is stupid to set unrealistic goals... tt is something tt i hard abt myself... i duno understand myself... i dun accept my weakness... i duno my strength... n worse of all... i hate myself for all these tots... i should have been strong, confident and gd... den all these wun be a prob anymore...
sorry tt i cant understand and listen to others... coz i myself dun understand myself... i got no more rooms to listen to others anymore. i dun mean to be selfish... i jus need room to sort of my own tots... i dun mean to be rude... i jus hate ppl to misunderstand me... jus take it as im a bad person... i cant be bother to explain things coz it will make things worse... i will rather be alone. i dun ask for anything... i dun seek for understanding anymore... coz i myself dun understand others anymore...
i knoe that things will get better if only i can overcome myself... n tts the ting im trying to do now... n it is the hardest thing to do rite now...
for those for bother to read all the things i've wrote... heres something not tt boring... i've just cut my hair! it cost my $20 aussie! n it jus a normal cut.. or i shuld say trim only... it was cut by a russian lady who claims that she has 23 years of experiences... but my fringe looks like shit... -_-|||
wish upon a star at.Saturday, May 26, 2007