some brief updates: MC (again) on tue n wed due to flu, sore throat and cold sore... practically slack at home, did some tidy up and thinking... abt past, now and then. haha... make a new spect (hope its not on impulse coz the one i'm using now is not spoilt thou)
today had a very bad start of the day, i quarrelled. not verbally but tensionally if you know what i meant. if you just see the things tt happened, its just a small matter... but for me is about attitude. i cannot stand ppl who are ignorant, who do the things they feel like it w/o considering other ppl feelings... for this kind of ppl i wun get face one, even it is just a small matter. one action really turns me off n i take it coz i dun wan to lose my temper... but i cannot tahan when i told my dad what happened... the things he say makes me tears from my hse to work plc... from his illness, to his relationship with his siblings, abt how he control his temper not to vent anger at families due to work stress, says home is a shelter where ppl will express their true feelings, abt teenager duno how to manage their time and piorities etc etc...
i did not voice out doesn't mean i'm free from stress and trouble... i always smile and joke ard doesn't mean i duno how is it like to feel stress and pressured by whatever the society or 'true' world is... the main reason is i dun wan me parents to worry for me... i take care of my own business n not whine about how pathetic my life is when i'm feeling down... but unfortunately (for me), they care more about those who are 'weak' and tense to give in too much tt they take it for granted... thats their teaching style, if it happens to me... i wun get a damn... they have to face it themselves and not vent it on families... why should i give in when tt person dun respect me as elderly... so as an elderly i'll teach them the cruel meaning of 'true' life... there is so much things i wan to talk back when my dad told me about all the meaning of life... but i just sit there and keep silence... i dun wish to worsen his worry... or misunderstood if there is any... for my parents'sake, i take it... frankly, i felt neglect by them. is it tt i dun cause any trouble they think less abt me? or they dun hav any hopes on me coz i'm a girl. finish uni, working now... done. their job is done. i'm on my own now... no need to say i still got 2 younger bro... who are still studying n still have a future they have to look after... but neither do they give me the pressure of 'taking' care of their future...
i'm grateful to the small actions thou... tt my dad will drive me to work some times, today he came to fetch me when i worked till 8pm (while he had sth to do in town). he bought me ferrero rochers to cheer me up due to mrn incident. what i wan to voice out is tt... i have my own problems and desires in life... i wan them to feel proud tt i'm doing fine on my own tt they dun have to worry for me and not jus thinking abt how well spoon fed with all the things in life tt that have given me.
i just received a call tis aftern tt i'm shortlisted for the interview for the scholarship! i'm thrilled. i'll just have to prepare for the interview... hope i wun blew this chance away... i really kinda put all my hope in it... its like my future is in tt scholarship, whether or not i'm able to futher my education (or increase my pay cheaque ;P) is in it... *finger crossed*
wish upon a star atThursday, September 17, 2009.Thursday, September 17, 2009
i should be slping by now... coz im working tml... yes! tml is sunday n i have to work!! haiz... the only thing tt i would want to work on sun is the double pay... but sadly i have to work on christmas day which is a paid public holiday so that is no double pay but hours off only. arghh...
anw... recently i've been thinking abt my life... whats nx? time passes so fast... been working for 1 yr n 7 mths. catch up with some frens during monash alumni dinner n i keep thinking abt what others r doing... what im doing n what i will be doing for the rest of my life... although we graduated with the same course, some took different route... most of us work in lab. one took up management level, he seems to be doing gd as he is climbing up the ladder already... but i look at my situation... nah... long way in my job man... felt like im kinda stuck. i felt its not enough... i wanted more... thinking abt the gd life i wan but if i stay in my current situation its hard to achieve. there is no sense of achivement from my current job too... i'm just like a factory worker. been wanting to get away n do sth else... if i were to change lab... lets see... there is a lot of research labs which requires molecular skills... but in my lab what i've been learning n doing is mainly microb stuffs... which sadly is not very much practice in other labs... now tt my skills r very limited...
further studies... is what i really want to.... but financially is difficult... to think back the time when i jus graduated. i wanted to further too... n to see those of my frens who r doing their further studies now... i envy them.... but the time when i graduated sth happened to my family that makes me drop the idea of gg back to studies... now that i thinking of what i want to do with my life, i would still want to further my studies... but now that i understand their situation, i cannot make myself for them to pay for my sch fees again... somemore i still got my study loan to pay for.... hai............ courses r very limited in sg... n private uni... r not that 'safe' to me anymore... just applied for oversea scholarship but its been almost 3 weeks n thats no news................... what else can i do????? been looking online on the courses that are available the whole night........ n thinking what i want to do.... but there are so many limitation...... what can i do..... just what can i do...
wish upon a star atSunday, September 13, 2009.Sunday, September 13, 2009