some brief updates: MC (again) on tue n wed due to flu, sore throat and cold sore... practically slack at home, did some tidy up and thinking... abt past, now and then. haha... make a new spect (hope its not on impulse coz the one i'm using now is not spoilt thou)
today had a very bad start of the day, i quarrelled. not verbally but tensionally if you know what i meant. if you just see the things tt happened, its just a small matter... but for me is about attitude. i cannot stand ppl who are ignorant, who do the things they feel like it w/o considering other ppl feelings... for this kind of ppl i wun get face one, even it is just a small matter. one action really turns me off n i take it coz i dun wan to lose my temper... but i cannot tahan when i told my dad what happened... the things he say makes me tears from my hse to work plc... from his illness, to his relationship with his siblings, abt how he control his temper not to vent anger at families due to work stress, says home is a shelter where ppl will express their true feelings, abt teenager duno how to manage their time and piorities etc etc...
i did not voice out doesn't mean i'm free from stress and trouble... i always smile and joke ard doesn't mean i duno how is it like to feel stress and pressured by whatever the society or 'true' world is... the main reason is i dun wan me parents to worry for me... i take care of my own business n not whine about how pathetic my life is when i'm feeling down... but unfortunately (for me), they care more about those who are 'weak' and tense to give in too much tt they take it for granted... thats their teaching style, if it happens to me... i wun get a damn... they have to face it themselves and not vent it on families... why should i give in when tt person dun respect me as elderly... so as an elderly i'll teach them the cruel meaning of 'true' life... there is so much things i wan to talk back when my dad told me about all the meaning of life... but i just sit there and keep silence... i dun wish to worsen his worry... or misunderstood if there is any... for my parents'sake, i take it... frankly, i felt neglect by them. is it tt i dun cause any trouble they think less abt me? or they dun hav any hopes on me coz i'm a girl. finish uni, working now... done. their job is done. i'm on my own now... no need to say i still got 2 younger bro... who are still studying n still have a future they have to look after... but neither do they give me the pressure of 'taking' care of their future...
i'm grateful to the small actions thou... tt my dad will drive me to work some times, today he came to fetch me when i worked till 8pm (while he had sth to do in town). he bought me ferrero rochers to cheer me up due to mrn incident. what i wan to voice out is tt... i have my own problems and desires in life... i wan them to feel proud tt i'm doing fine on my own tt they dun have to worry for me and not jus thinking abt how well spoon fed with all the things in life tt that have given me.
i just received a call tis aftern tt i'm shortlisted for the interview for the scholarship! i'm thrilled. i'll just have to prepare for the interview... hope i wun blew this chance away... i really kinda put all my hope in it... its like my future is in tt scholarship, whether or not i'm able to futher my education (or increase my pay cheaque ;P) is in it... *finger crossed*
wish upon a star atThursday, September 17, 2009.Thursday, September 17, 2009